December 10th, 2009
If you feel like you cannot meet the right guy it could be that all the good ones are taken. The ones that are left are the same ones that are trying to get you to fly them across the globe with promises of happiness, if you just help them pay for the ransom of their grandfather. Or if you could just help them finance an operation for their sick mother or help them over a rough financial patch with their business while the government signs off on their multi-million dollar contract in Afghanistan. If you are lucky you will not meet one who takes you for as much money as they can. You may just find one who will just wine you and dine you, make passionate love to you, compliment your home cooking and take some beautiful sexy snapshots of you. Then never call you again and avoid all of your messages, then you find out he is actually married with two kids and a third on the way and his wife just doesn’t understand him but he still loves her and will never leave her.
It’s not just the guys that are on the con, many times a guy will find the girl of his dreams and on the first meeting he finds out that the photo on the website was taken 5 years ago before her thyroid started playing up and she gained 25 kilos. Or you spend the night eating lobster and drinking French Champaign then you spend two hours making love. Then she tells you that will cost $500 and she asks how could you think she wasn’t a hooker and if you don’t pay up now she will send around a couple of her security guys to get the money. You might find yourself with a down to earth girl who just wants to spend a night at the movies and eating Chinese food before having vigorous sex in the car. Then you wake up in the morning with herpes and when you try to call her one of her five children answer and says that she isn’t home, she’s at dads parole hearing – he has been away for five years for aggravated stabbing but he should be coming home today. Or maybe you will be half way through your meal when she tells you she loves you and is looking forward to having kids and has organised for you both to have lunch with her parents, you ditch her with some lame story and by the time you get home she has already called fifteen times wanting to know what took you so long to get home and accusing you of seeing somebody else because you’re a commitment phobic. Before you can even hang up the phone you see her in the back yard at the clothesline cutting the crotch out of your boxer shorts.
The web has made it simple to be somebody else and hiding behind a ridiculous cover waiting for the trustworthy, vulnerable and gullible has become somewhat of a lucrative pastime. It may be wise to visit www.filthyliar.com both before and after your internet dates.
Tags: blind date, chat room, date, Internet Dating
Posted in Give us a break | Comments Off
December 10th, 2009
Am I wearing camouflage? That is the question I had to keep asking when all I wanted to ask is, how do I start a new account? The local bank branch has placed a sign stating that this is the designated customer inquiry area but there is little sign of the actual service, or anybody to ask me why am I standing in front of their pointless sign. I would prefer a sign that reads ‘wait here, eventually somebody will attend to you’, then I would not get my hopes up. I wouldn’t run off half-cocked assuming that there would actually be a perceived level of customer service. I would wait and wait and wait then go to another bank. Maybe I should employ methods proven successful by others. My dogs for example, when she sits down and then drags her bum along the ground for about three feet it gets everybody’s attention. The Villain in the movie Se7en walks into the police department covered in human blood and screaming, also gaining everybody’s attention. Streaking through sporting events definitely gets attention as does continually screeching like a boiling kettle. My children when they were young always got attention by soiling themselves and crying, perhaps that would be as effective for me now as it was for them. Crying has always worked for my daughters, I will do anything to make them stop and feel better. The banks all charge extra fees for branch service which we have no choice but to pay, but when it comes to their end of the bargain we are left wanting and waiting.
Can I get some GOD DAMN SERVICE PLEASE
Tags: ANZ, blood, customer, dog Scoot, Se7en, service, streak
Posted in Give us a break | Comments Off
December 6th, 2009
So its been discovered that Tiger Woods has been unfaithful and the media just love it. Everybody is reporting on his cheating, how many times he has done it and all the juicy details. The women in question are cashing in and making a fortune but all we hear is Tiger has cheated and let his family down. Nobody says anything about the series of women, all who knew he was married with children and all of whom still carried on an affair with him despite what it may have done to his family. All knew that their story would be worth money either from Tiger or from the media and all have happily cashed in on it. So Tiger is expected to take responsibility for all of the indiscretions and the lying, cheating, manipulative women get rewarded with piles of money. Now I am not saying that Tiger did the right thing cheating, I have no knowledge about the intricacies of his marriage. I am sure he wishes he had never done it and maybe he has learned a serious lesson. Maybe, like most marriages there are some things that are difficult to talk about, maybe one partner can talk and the other cannot. Perhaps the difficulties are in the bedroom and are impossible to talk about, maybe there are just a lot of little differences that make it to difficult to talk about without a catalyst such as discovered infidelity. That doesn’t mean he did the right thing but it really doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his wife, in fact I am pretty sure she is the light of his life. Whatever the reason, there was certainly no shortage of home wrecking wannabe’s with their underpants around their ankles waiting to cash in with little regard for the sanctity of Tigers marriage until it came time to collect. I don’t see any ex husbands of the women coming forward and saying Tiger destroyed my marriage. If you ask me, all the women involved should buy a gift for Tigers wife and children from the massive payouts they stuff into their collective garter belts from their media pole dance. Women who sleep with married successful men because they are drawn to their fame, money and handsome good looks are really simply filthy gold diggers. They will destroy and tear down anything for money, after all that’s when it’s their payday. While everything is quiet they are broke but when everything is broken they start collecting.
Well done ladies you hit the jackpot, it sure beats working for a living. Just be careful you don’t end up on www.filthyliar.com
Tiger Jackpot
Tags: affair, cheat, golf groupie, Tiger Woods
Posted in Give us a break | Comments Off
December 6th, 2009
Dugongs are very interesting mammals that rarely travel as far south as Surfers Paradise in the tropical waters of Queensland, Australia. Sometimes if you are lucky you will get a wonderful surprise and catch sight of something that could be a Dugong feeding on sea grasses in the very North of Queensland. Dugongs are listed as vulnerable to extinction so the chance to see one close up made me feel like I was part of Greenpeace.
There it is, just ahead.... Holy Shit WTF..... Sea Cow Yes, Dugong No...
Oops my bad.
Posted in Give us a break | Comments Off
November 19th, 2009
I don’t understand the need to jeopardize your life while performing your favorite sexual act.
By all means asphyxiate yourself while masturbating but really, do you need to strangle yourself with a rope or a belt.
Try to follow me here, if you use one hand to masturbate and the other to strangle yourself you would simply let go when you passed out thus avoiding an embarrassing corpse. You also get to try again and again. Next time you are stringing yourself up like a country pheasant just ask yourself one question, what happens if I pass out? If you are in a closet tied to the cross beam by your neck with fishnet stockings, the answer will surely be less than perplexing.
On the other hand if you pass out while strangling yourself with one hand and masturbating with the other then you will probably wake up in your own good time and nobody will see you with the lipstick and red pumps. So long as you are not perched on a glass table on the balcony of your twelfth floor apartment you should be ok.
Alternatively there is safety in numbers. In this modern techno class work a day world nobody will judge you if you ask them to stand watch and maybe take a few stills while you asphyxiate yourself and masturbate. In fact if you got a crew together and webcast it you would probably turn a nice profit. Nobody would see that it was you if you wore that latex hood and crotchless jumpsuit.
There is no medically sanctioned way to cut the oxygen supply to your brain. So if you have a spotter watching out for you make sure you have a safe word that you can say while barely conscious and with your windpipe and vocal cords constricted. If it is a safe sound, make sure it is a different sound to one you might make while enjoying the increasingly popular pastime.
Let us never again find a body hanging wasted and spent due to poor planning.
Tags: chokers, gag, gropers, latex, lipstick, ropers
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